Feb 10 | BE BEYOND
Let’s Talk About Sex
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, sex is on a lot of people’s minds. So, we decided to consult an expert… a sexpert, in fact.
You’ve likely heard of sexologist Dr. Emily Morse from the Bravo TV show Miss Advised, her many guest TV appearances or her top downloaded podcast Sex with Emily. Basically, when it comes to sex and relationship advice, she’s the go-to gal.
Okay, give us the scoop. How important is sex in a relationship?
Sex is the glue in a romantic relationship. When it comes down to it, couples need to make the time to connect, both emotionally and physically. Bottom line: If you’re living together, sharing a home but not having sex… you’re roommates.
How long should we wait to have sex with a person we’re dating?
I don’t believe in rules about this, however I do think that it’s best to wait until you know someone (or at least their last name and where they’re from.) Sex can cloud our vision of the person so we might miss the red flags waving in the distance because we get attached to the person once those feel good hormones are released after sex.
What do you think the most common misconception about sex is?
That it’s always going to be as good as it is now, or it will never be as satisfying as it once was. The truth is sex is something that can constantly be expanding and is always changing over time. It takes work, but it’s the most important work you can do in your relationship.
What is your favorite part about helping people with their sex lives?
My favorite part is helping people open up and explore the issues that are holding them back from having successful relationships and incredible sex. There are a handful of issues that most people are struggling with, whether they are single or in a relationship. Giving people the right tools and permission to explore their bodies for maximum pleasure and satisfaction can help them reach a new place that changes their lives for the better – there’s nothing more satisfying than that!
What’s the most common problem people & couples come to you with?
Communication. We are not taught how to talk about many things, especially sex.
And what advice do you give them?
We get into these sexual ruts that we can’t seem to talk our way out of, not because we don’t know what we want, but because we don’t know how to ask our partners for it in the bedroom.
Learning to talk to your partner about sex is the key to having an expansive and fulfilling sex life. The fact is, people who are able to communicate their sexual desires and needs in their relationships report higher levels of sexual satisfaction. Why? Because they’re getting exactly what they want! The alternative is spending the rest of your relationship not having your sexual needs met… Not exactly a winning option.
Any tips for starting that conversation with a partner?
Talking about sex is an acquired skill for most people and like anything else, it takes practice. Create an open, judgement-free environment in which you can discuss what you both want sexually. Share your fantasies and desires with one another and discuss new areas that you would like to explore together. It’s like I always say, communication is a lubrication, so it’s best to just start talking and take it from there.
What’s your opinion on women making the first move?
My opinion is that there should be no rules in this department. Whoever feels like making the first move, should go for it.
How much sex is “normal” in a committed relationship?
I don’t believe that there is a “normal” number of times couples should be having sex per week or month. The more important thing is that both partners are ok with how often they are having sex and if they aren’t, it’s important to talk and compromise to find what works.
It’s important to note that, when it comes to keeping things hot, the emphasis should be on quality, not quantity. Couples could be having sex five days a week, but if they’re doing it the same way every single time, there’s nothing hot or spicy about it. Instead of trying to have more sex, place the focus on having more memorable sex. Connect on a deeper level, explore new things together and never stop mixing it up.
Is there a secret formula to a long lasting, healthy relationship?
As we settle into our long-term relationships, we’re all about long-term investments. We invest in our 401k, we invest in our dream homes and our dream cars. And yet, we never think to invest in one of the most vital aspects of our relationship – our dream sex life. We focus so intently on the other pieces of the puzzle, and let sex just fade into the background without even realizing how important it really is.
Studies have found that men and women who reported being unhappy with the amount of sex they were having also had the lowest levels of marital satisfaction. This just proves what we know in our hearts to be true: a happy sex life is a key factor in a happy marriage.
It’s true, life does have a way of creeping in and distracting us from what’s going on between the sheets. Somewhere in between our jobs, families, household obligations, health etc., sex just seems to fall by the wayside.
We all have this fantasy in our heads that the amazing sex we had in the beginning of our relationship will just stay that amazing, effortlessly. Unfortunately, this is not usually the case. Keeping the sex hot takes work. Luckily, it’s fun and rewarding work that will enhance the intimacy in your relationship.
Any tips for enjoying sex more with our partners?
Think about your all-time favorite meal. Got it? Now imagine having that same meal every single day, for years. No matter how delicious it is, after a while, you are going to start craving something a little different. The same goes for your sex life. No matter how wonderful the sex is, if you’re doing the same thing year after year, things are going to start to feel a little stale.
So, instead of sticking to what you know, and enjoying mediocre comfort-food sex for years to come, why not add a little spice? Whether it’s a change of location, an adventurous new sex position, or the addition of a sex toy into your bedroom repertoire, nothing turns up the heat on an already hot sex life like trying something new.
What’s the deal with Kegels? Is it something women should actually be doing?
Absolutely, every woman should be doing their Kegel exercises to strengthen their pelvic floor (or PC muscles) on a daily basis, because just like any other muscle, if we don’t use it we lose it.
Women who practice Kegels regularly will experience more intense and frequent orgasms, increase sexual sensation and help in overcoming urinary incontinence. Plus, regular Kegels repairs, tones and strengthens the vagina during and after childbirth.
The hardest part about Kegels are actually remembering to do them, which is why I created Kegel Camp, an app where you can set a daily reminder on your phone or tablet, and my voice will walk you through 5 minutes a day and there are 20 levels so they get increasingly more challenging. After a few weeks, you’ll certainly see a huge difference. No more sneezing and pee’ing – and much stronger orgasms.
Valentine’s Day is this month. What advice do you have for singles during this holiday?
Embrace your single-dom! Valentine’s is a day about love, not necessarily about being in love with a romantic partner. If you’re single on Valentine’s day make plans with your other single friends to go out and do something fun together, have a Single Friends Potluck – everyone brings a dish and a date that they’re not romantically interested and be sure to pamper yourself with something that makes you feel good, like a massage, a new sex toy or yoga classes!
And finally, any advice for couples this Valentine’s Day?
This is the one day of the year where it’s actually acceptable to try something new and exciting and different in the bedroom or get your partner something sexy like a new toy or sexy experience you can try together.
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